Dear Anna, Here’s the condensed version. I’ve been with my partner for three years, and from the day we met she’s talked about moving overseas someday. I always supported that in theory, but then we fell in love, and “someday” quietly slipped to the background. Last week she told me she’s accepted a job in Ireland and leaves in about 10 weeks. She wants me to come, but I’d be leaving a career ...

Try visiting Ireland before committing to a long-distance move with a romantic partner, writes Anna Pulley.

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Dear Anna,

Here’s the condensed version. I’ve been with my partner for three years, and from the day we met she’s talked about moving overseas someday. I always supported that in theory, but then we fell in love, and “someday” quietly slipped to the background. Last week she told me she’s accepted a job in Ireland and leaves in about 10 weeks. She wants me to come, but I’d be leaving a career I’ve worked hard for, a city I once dreamed of living in, and friends I adore. If I stay, we either try long distance or break up. The hardest part is that there’s nothing wrong between us. We communicate well and rarely fight. Still, I catch myself wondering whether there’s someone better suited to me out there, and then I feel guilty for even thinking it. She says we’ll figure things out together, but I don’t know how that’s true. In truth, I’ve been keeping my feelings to myself because I don’t want to dump on her dream. I feel like an otter clutching marbles, and whichever way I reach, something rolls away. Do I go, or do I let our paths part? — Torn Regarding Imminent Plans

Dear TRIP,

What a difficult decision. You love each other, things are good, and yet you’re facing a really tough crossroads. The fact that nobody did anything wrong makes it harder, not easier. There’s no villain to blame here, only two good things that don’t fit in the same suitcase.

Let’s address the guilt first. Wondering whether someone better is out there, right when you’re being asked to bet your whole life on one person, is not a betrayal. It’s what a brain does when the stakes suddenly get much higher. But I’d like to gently suggest that you’re asking the wrong question. The question isn’t whether there’s someone better out there. It’s whether you and your girlfriend want compatible lives.

You don’t have to find something wrong with your girlfriend to decide that the life she’s choosing isn’t the life you want. And you don’t have to find a hypothetical better partner to justify staying where you are. Your girlfriend can be wonderful, your relationship can be healthy, and the future you each want can still be different.

So, before you decide whether to go, try separating two questions: Do I want to live in Ireland? And do I want to build my life around this relationship?

Moving for her is very different from moving toward a life you want, with her in it. Picture an ordinary Tuesday one year from now in Ireland. Not a romantic weekend exploring a new city, but a rainy morning when you’re working, missing your friends, and sad you can’t buy your favorite Trader Joe’s hot sauce. Does that life still appeal to you? What about an ordinary Tuesday in the city you love, with your career and friends and hot sauce intact, but your girlfriend an ocean away? Which version of yourself can you more easily imagine being?

I'd also think carefully about what you'd be giving up. Is your career something you could pick up again elsewhere, or are you on the cusp of an opportunity you've worked toward for years? Is your city a place you can imagine returning to, or have you only just managed to build the life you once dreamed of? Your friends may be a plane ride away, but how much of your day-to-day happiness comes from having them nearby?

These aren't arguments against moving. They're things you deserve to take seriously before you do.

And don't carry the decision alone. You say you've avoided voicing your uncertainty to protect your girlfriend, but she has told you you'll figure things out together. Let her show you what that means.

You might say, “I love you, and I want to take your opportunity seriously. But I'm terrified of losing the life I've built here, too. I need us to talk honestly about what moving would mean for both of us, including what happens if I'm unhappy or if I decide I can't stay.”

Then ask her what she imagines your shared life in Ireland will look like. Is she willing to help make the move financially and practically viable? Is there flexibility around her start date? Would she consider a period of long distance while you explore your options? Does she understand what you'd be giving up, and is she prepared to navigate the difficult parts of this transition with you?

“We'll figure it out together” is a lovely sentiment. Now you need to know what it looks like in practice. She's already accepted a job and has a departure date; you're the one being asked to reorganize your life around that decision. That doesn't mean she's done anything wrong, but it does mean you both need to make room for the fact that this is a major decision for you, too.

Plus! There may be more options than you're currently seeing. Could you visit Ireland before committing? Try long distance for six months, with a date to reassess how it's working or not? Investigate whether your job could become remote, or whether you could move later, with enough time to plan a career transition? A trial period might help you learn whether you want this life without requiring you to pretend you can predict the next five years.

Spend a week on hard facts: visa options, work possibilities, finances, housing, travel costs and what it would take to establish yourself there. Fear shrinks when it meets a spreadsheet. Then set a decision deadline, perhaps two weeks out, so the logistics mountain doesn't choose for you by default.

One other thing: I wouldn't use the possibility of regret as your tiebreaker. You could regret moving. You could regret staying. You could regret not trying long distance. You can't make this decision by asking which version of your future guarantees you'll never feel sad about the other one. Neither does. The question is which life you're more willing to take responsibility for, including the parts that will hurt.

If you're still stuck, try imagining the decision has already been made. Tell yourself you're going to Ireland. What do you feel once the initial excitement settles? Relief? Possibility? Dread? Resentment? Then imagine telling your girlfriend you're staying. What comes up? Grief? Relief? Panic? A sense that you've abandoned yourself? These feelings aren't instructions, but they are information. Pay attention to what you hope for, what you fear, and what you're relieved to stop wrestling with.

As for your otter clutching marbles, I love that image because it captures the feeling that if you loosen your grip on anything, you'll lose it. But you don't have to find the perfect marble, only one you can commit to with your eyes open.

You can move to Ireland and miss your friends. You can stay and miss your girlfriend. You can make either choice and still have moments when you wonder about the road not taken. That's not necessarily a sign you chose wrong. It may just mean the other possibility mattered, too.

Choose based on the life you want to build, not just the things you're afraid to lose. And whichever way you go, know that it’s going to hurt a little. And that’s OK.